Cultural Differences at School

At parent conferences today I was asked, "How's our daughter's personality?"

I paused before answering. I really like this student. In my eyes, she's hard working, self-motivated, driven, personable, confident, intelligent, and assertive.

On the other hand, one of my colleagues, a female Chinese teacher, recently remarked that this student is too aggressive. She is too confident. She should be more submissive to the teacher.

Here's how I began my answer:

"From my American background, my cultural perspective, she is...(see above).

I then went on to explain - these are not native speakers- that "assertive"- acting in one's own best interest without denying other's theirs- is a good thing in my mind. She asks questions, she wants knowledge, she wants success. "Aggressive" - ready or likely to attack or confront - has a negative connotation (outside of sports). Their daughter has friends and does not step on other toes to get what she wants.

I wish more students here were "assertive."

The parents seemed satisfied.

To be honest, this student seems so "normal" from my experience with 14 year old American teenage girls that I'd never even given her much additional thought.

But I realize if the parents desire a  submissive, passive, daughter in order to "fit" into a culture, they may need to have a "family meeting."

A Few Fenders Bent

Today there was a small car accident near my school.

The accident occurred near a very busy group of shop-lots - a strip mall with out the glitz, glamour, planning or parking -  where traffic never goes faster than about 10 kph because cars are double-parked, pedestrians are weaving in and out of the parked cars and motorcycles and bicycles come and go in all directions. I was fairly confident it was a fender bender with no injuries.

Because the road was blocked, I was starting to plan an exit route that involved driving the wrong way down a one-way street. (not actually that uncommon)

Just then, I noticed that one of the cars was starting to roll backwards away from the crash. Standing beside the car was a grey-haired man who was pushing his little Proton Saga (appropriately named and the national car of Malaysia with the power of my bicycle) from the right, passenger door window. As the car picked up momentum, the grey haired man started running beside the car. The car rolled little faster, the man ran a little harder. The car cleared the blocked intersection, the man was now chasing the car.  It was at this point that I realized the grey-haired man was the driver of the car. But, he wasn't driving. He was still running behind  the car (well, actually in front of the car because the car was rolling backwards.)

Here's a question for you. How are the Proton Saga and the Google Self-Driving car the same?

A. They are both small.

How are they different?

A. One needs a driver.

I thought to myself, "This should be interesting...."

The car, still rolling backwards, made a swerve to the right. Perhaps in his effort to try and stop his own car, the driver had grabbed the steering wheel thus causing the car to veer off its original course.

I started chuckling to myself. "This doesn't look good."

At this point, the rear bumper of the car grazed the first of four parked motorcycles. The first, a large, blue, heavy looking motorcycle, slowly teetered into the next smaller motorcycle which, in turn, teetered into another, and another just like slow motion dominoes.

The car rolled a few more feet until it was finally stopped by the curb. The grey-haired man eventually caught up with his car. The last motorcycle was  teetered to its resting place on the front bumper of the parked car it had fallen upon, and the four motorcycles were resting on top of each other like newborn puppies nestled against their mom.

I was imagining swearing,  yelling, pointing of fingers, "OMG how could I be so stupid?", sirens, something.

But nothing happened.

Everyone was calm and quiet.

Sunstroke?

Shock?

Common place?

I was still laughing out loud.

Then, as if nothing had happened, (think: Steve Martin playing the Pink Panther) the grey-haired man calmly got in his car, closed the door, started the engine, and drove away. A couple of male by-standers strained to picked up the motorcycles and then brushed them off as if nothing had happened.

I can hear it now. (Well, I can't actually hear the Malay but here is my translated version..)

Wife - "How was your day, dear?"
Husband - "Oh, you know. The usual. I had a little fender bender. I forgot that I shouldn't push my own car unless someone is actually in the driver's seat. Luckily, our little Saga still runs. Hope those motorcycles are OK. What's for dinner?"

By now the car in front of me was gingerly making its way past the original crashed car, still blocking most of the left lane.I followed as if this were the most normal daily occurrence I'd ever witnessed.

If only I'd captured it on video...It'd go viral.

My Own Happiness Project

I've been reading a book called The Happiness Project: Or why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning by Gretchen Rubin. Here are a few things that I like about this book:. 1) The conversations she has with herself mimic conversations I've had with myself 2) The  ideas that she proposes to tackle in the quest for happiness sound familiar. 3) The and ideas and musings about just what happiness is and how to achieve it seem pretty straight forward.

Having lived overseas for almost three years now (gasp...has it really been that long?!) has been a continual test of and challenge to my happiness. As a matter of fact, as I've written before, life overseas tends towards the extremes: really happy for, appreciative of, and growing from this amazing opportunity to really annoyed with, sick of, just wanting to get away from this taxing experience. That being said, I probably should start my own personal happiness project, but even if I don't here's what I've been thinking about today....


Conversations
In chapter two Gretchen sets some goals to work on her marriage and in Chapter six to make more time for friends. I have some of these same goals (especially on the days or hours I'm reading her chapters with those ideas...). For example, I did all kinds of little special things for my husband this weekend for Father's Day from serving wine in his favorite juice glass (instead of a long stemmed wine glass), to planning a new bike route and making homemade baked beans for dinner. I made some effort to connects with some local friends for trips to the beach and to new restaurants. All of these activities made me happy.

I laughed because, unfortunately,  Gretchen and I have the same problems with these goals. For example, she talks about wanting a "gold star" or some kind of positive acknowledgement from her husband that he's noticed all the special things she's done for him during her focus on the marriage month. I laughed out loud, because I also want the "gold star" of approval. Unlike Gretchen, I make no bones about asking. Just yesterday, I must have asked about 15 times my husband if he liked the special Father's Day bike ride and food I'd planned. As a matter of fact, I'm not even happy with just one gold star. I want my star chart to have the most out of everyone!

And chapter six's make time for friends really struck a chord. When Gretchen made a goal to learn all of her friends' birth dates and put them on a nice computer program that reminds her to send a card, she is showing her friends that she cares. I would like this goal. I would probably feel happy if I had this goal. In fact,  I have a great friend who does exactly this. She remembers birthdays, anniversaries, stressful tests, and vacation dates for all her friends. Unfortunately, I can't even remember my own birthday, let alone everyone else s. I like her goal but I think the embarrassment of asking friends once again for their  birth dates might outweigh any happiness I would feel at the organization of knowing those dates. Until then, thank God for Facebook birthday reminders...

Ideas for Happiness
Here are some ideas mentioned in Gretchen's book:
1. Start a blog - check! - I can honestly say it makes me happy to write. I don't feel like it's a chore. I hope, one day, I'll look back and think: Wow! I was happy in Malaysia. I was happy in Turkey. I know I am happy when I'm writing.

2. Boost Energy - check and not check! Getting exercise and sleep are not problem. I make it a priority to do both of them.
On the other hand, toss, restore, and organize are not going so well. The thing is, I think I can toss almost everything we've collected over here. But, I've fallen into some of my old traps: 1) piles and notebooks full of cool lessons and projects that I've created for my students. I should scan and toss, but that seems too tedious and boring. 2) fabric - the sewer in me thinks all these nice batiks I've collected will be fun quilting projects and sewing projects one day. But, I'm not sure my passion is still sewing ) keyboard and music - I love to play and still play 4-5 times per week. However, thinking about getting the piano home saps my energy.

3) Be serious about play - check and not check! Here's problem. Our "play" weekends (Saturday at 6:30 pm until Sunday at 8:00 pm) are serious fun. We plan time for cycling to new and interesting places, and we plan time to boost more energy with a long afternoon nap or a trip to the movie theater. The problem is, the more we get serious about play, the less energy we have to be serious about work.

4) Aim Higher at work - not check!  Gretchen says, "Enthusiasm is more important to mastery than innate ability, it turns out, because the single most important element in developing an expertise is your willingness to practice." Challenge and novelty are important for happiness. I have neither challenge nor novelty at work. I would rather come home and write a blog and look at the piles of workbooks on the coffee table, rather than just "get it done" and give my full attention to grading as I would have in the past.

Ideas about Happiness
Honestly, I was never that interested in philosophy. As a matter of fact, I would say philosophy 101 did not "make me happy" but rather made me feel "intelligent" because I was now one of the millions of students who  paid thousands of dollars to get the opportunity to contemplate the meaning of life over pitchers of 3.2 beer.
Therefore, I skim read through all the philosophers Gretchen mentioned until she got to some I could relate to: novelists Ann Patchett and Ian McEwan, and all-around interesting guy, Benjamin Franklin.

But seriously, what have any of these people got to do with my happiness or what happiness is? Probably nothing.

Like Gretchen, I'm basically a very happy person...except when I'm not...and then I'm an unhappy person and I like to wallow in my unhappiness and be toxic to everyone around me....So, I got a chuckle when Gretchen's goal is to "act happy." I've made that my goal many times. ("Act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic" repeat and repeat ad nauseum.. ..clap, clap)

Take being a teacher, for example. When I shut my car door and walk to the front of the school every morning, I pull a smile out of my pocket (I keep two smiles in there...one for me and one for a student who might be feeling blue). Sometimes my smiles works, and the extra smile in my pocket almost always brings a laugh, followed by a floodgate of tears if the student is female and 14.

In other words, I know how to "act happy" and I can "act happy." Even better, I know more what "makes" me happy - a benefit of getting older, I think.  Therefore, I can focus my happiness project into action items to "delete" chores that do not make me happy and detract from those things that make me happy.

Writing today's blog made me happy and added clarity to my happiness project. I'll keep you posted...